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She laughed at everything I said, but it meant nothing.Plenty of people who would never speak to me otherwise, let alone date me, have laughed at things I said.I’m not sure if we kissed that night or if it was the next night, but before I knew it, we were together, naked in my bed.♦◊♦The world was inside out. She was the first member of her family to go to an institution with anything approaching the academic rigor of the University of Chicago.This made her insecure; she feared being stupid to the point of terror.I’ve acted too clingy with girls, I’ve tried too hard, and I’ve ruled out women just because they were attractive.The ideal Evan Jacobs—the brash, bold, confident stud I still want to be—existed for nine months of my sophomore year at the University of Chicago.
She didn’t try to hold my hand, she didn’t caress my back, she didn’t try to kiss me in public. She didn’t seem to understand how awesome I was, and in turn, I started feeling less awesome. If she didn’t think I was that great, shouldn’t she be with a guy who was? If she had wanted to break up with me, she would have done so. I was back to square one—I became the same neurotic, anxious, awkward, desperate jerk that I had ever been. Like many mistakes in my life, I should’ve learned from it but didn’t.As a crazy coincidence, we discovered that we were neighbors. I soon learned that Christine was far from perfect.I lived in the last door of a hallway, she lived in the second to last. She was from a small town in Ohio and had grown up very poor in a family that didn’t place the highest value in education.When we did kiss, it was like I was introducing her to the concept of what kissing was. I second-guessed myself—and instead of vowing to trust my instincts in the future, I kept on doubting.I doubted my way through relationship after failed relationship.